The response of one's family can often be critical to the recovery of selective mutism. If a sufferer's family is not supportive and understanding it can further delay or even prevent their ability to overcome the condition. I was lucky in the sense that my immediate family were far more understanding than most (my extended family weren't so great but maybe I'll save that for another post), although they did make a lot of the typical mistakes.
One particular instance was when were away on a cruise. My younger brother was off playing with the other children so it was just my parents and me, sitting in one of the ship's restaurants. I imagine I was about 14 or so then. This was when my SM was at its prime - I had just left school around that time and I hadn't spoken to anyone outside of the family in months.
I was sitting opposite my parents at our table, scrolling through the music on my iPod when all of a sudden my dad looked over at me and said, "Lorraine, if you don't order your own drink then you're not getting one."
He wore that very matter-of-fact expression that my dad sometimes got when he was telling me or my brother something he knew we weren't going to like but he had already made his mind up about and no amount of complaining would change it. I answered it with my own stubborn glare.
I moaned. I whinged. I flicked things at him from across the table and when the waitress finally came over to us, of course I didn't say a word. In the end he did end up buying me the drink but this left a bad taste in everyone's mouth and only worsened my anxiety around speaking still.
Another such situation was when my dad had taken me to the library one day. This was also around the time that I had only just left school and currently I was very into Darren Shan books. Every time I went to the library I would get a few of his books out to read in my spare time. This time however, the library's collection of Darren Shan books were not where they were usually kept.
I told my dad this who led me over to the front desk. He repeated what I'd just said to the lady standing behind it who nodded and said, "Yes, we just had a Darren Shan event here so they'll probably be in the back still. Which one did you want?"
I wasn't sure which one I wanted because I was still waiting for one that I'd ordered online to come in the post so did I ask for that one or the one after it? It didn't really matter either way because the words wouldn't come out. I gazed at the librarian blankly who gazed back, waiting for a response. I didn't turn to look at my dad who was to the side of me but I could feel him watching me, growing increasingly irritated.
Eventually with my head hanging low, I managed to mumble, "Book number 4." or something along those lines and my dad had to clarify what I'd said to the lady before she hopped off through a door that supposedly led to the back room. The moment she was gone, my dad turned to me.
"She was trying to help you, Lorraine." he said, sounding exasperated. He didn't actually say, "So why didn't you just talk then?" but I could feel the words silently hanging in the air between us.
Like I said, I was lucky. I am forever hearing stories about people with selective mutism who were less fortunate than myself, having parents who would attempt to threaten or guilt them into talking almost on a daily basis. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to go to school every day and be jeered at by peers and teachers alike, only to suffer the same fate when you return home as well.
The bottom line is selective mutism isn't very well-known and most of this kind of behavior is usually put down to parents misunderstanding the child's silence. This isn't an excuse though; guilting and verbally abusing your child is never a good thing, SM or not. If you have made any of these mistakes though, it's never too late to change.
Parents, your SM child is not trying to hurt you. They are not trying to be manipulative, defiant, or spiteful. Likewise, you are not to blame for their SM.
You may not be able to make others outside of the home understand and accept your child but the least you can do as a parent is make your home into the most supportive environment possible.
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