"Would a younger you be proud of the current you?"
This is something I find myself thinking about quite often. Maybe it has something to do with my inability to let go of the past. I find part of me is forever stuck in my last year of primary school, with my group of three best friends and my obsession with a certain unpopular TV show. Even though those three best friends have long since moved on and that peculiar TV show ended almost 6 years ago, current me can't help poking her head back in every so often.
The answer to the question though, is probably no. 11-year-old Lorraine may feel a little sorry for me and will most definitely find me a little odd but I doubt pride would be something she'd experience if I suddenly were to appear before her this very second.
11-year-old Lorraine didn't have very high expectations (I suppose I had very low self-esteem even back then). She had hopes and dreams, of course but there were only three things she really wanted, none of which I have successfully managed to obtain:
1. A large group of friends and maybe a boyfriend.
Although I wasn't diagnosed with selective mutism back then, I was still a little on the unusual side. More than anything I wanted to be a normal teenager and my idea of 'normal' was to have a big group of about four or five friends whom I'd do everything with and a boyfriend who was part of this friendship group. As much as I tried to find my own group of chums to ride with, (I shudder at the memories of the times I changed myself, desperately trying to fit in with different groups. First was my emo phase, then my weeaboo phase, followed by many others.) having selective mutism more often than not makes it very difficult to converse with others and well, now my only friend is a girl I met online who lives in a completely different continent.
2. To live independently at a college or university.
This is another one of Little Lorraine's ideas of what it means to be 'normal'. I haven't had very good experiences with education to say the least. I left secondary school in year 9 due to anxiety, the school's inability to meet my needs, and numerous other issues. I was home-schooled for about a year until my parents found me an alternative provider. That wasn't too bad and I graduated from there with a few passed exams. It all started again though when I was accepted to a music college the following year. They were also unable to meet my needs and all the anxiety started up again. I started at a different college last year and had the perfect opportunity to make my little dream of becoming a residential student come true however I'm glad I didn't. It's a huge struggle to get up in the morning even when I know I'll be coming back in a few hours, imagine if I lived there! Not to mention my incompetence when it comes to self-care. I'd probably starve to death.
3. To be a published author.
Little Lorraine loved to write right from when she was old enough to hold a pen. I'm still finding bits of half-finished stories that she scribbled down on scraps of paper in my room to this day. She was convinced that she was going to publish a book before she was 16 and make millions. The closest current Lorraine has gotten to achieving this goal however, is writing this blog and posting a few of her stories online. I would still like to write a book one day, I'm just not as motivated about writing as I once was.
Even though I haven't accomplished any of Little Lorraine's dreams, if there was one thing I'm doing that she might be a tiny bit proud of, it might be my Tumblr blog, the YouTube channel I'm starting up, everything I've done or plan to do to help people with selective mutism or raise awareness for the condition. Little Lorraine has no idea what selective mutism is at this point but maybe she'll be happy that I'm at least trying my best to help people.
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